Dont miss that chance you will only have once. I did, and I’m still here.

I wish I was as non-existent as I feel inside.

</3 kate

you want to know?

Attempted suicide, stomach pump, E.R., 51-50, hospitalized, and left to rot.

I was so close.

I guess I lied. I’m not okay. (I promise.)

</3 kate

[I’ve scraped myself raw inside over you.]

I’m sorry you guys, that I didn’t follow up with this. I hate to leave anyone hanging but I’ve been caught up in all this shit that should’nt be dealt with. A part of me is always scared to post on here again, because I know what my past has been like, and I never want to go back.

Well, what to say. Looking back on myself right now is sort of hard; I’ve been through a lot of change lately. But I guess I’m okay. I’m assuming life is always going to be a little bumpy, but nothing to rough that I can’t handle. Lately I’ve been uncontrollably sleeping, and I’m not sure whether it’s mono or not. Of course, the doctor says no, you’re just depressed, but in reality, I feel fine. It’s just, sure, sometimes there are times where I feel like giving up, but it’s not as bad as it used to be. All I need right now is to get out of this place, I don’t want a reality check. I’m so sick of being where I am in life, and growing up and out of this skin is going to be the best thing that will ever happen to me.

Thank you so much for caring about me, when you didn’t have to. I feel so shitty, because for a while there I wasn’t on the other end for any of you. well, I’m here now, but if you want me to get back to you quicker you can go to my other xanga. I love all of you, thank you for helping me grow out of myself. This xanga is a recorded journey, but to me, this is proof that there are good people at heart.

I never thought there would be a hand to hold onto, or a heart to confide in. I didn’t believe until I realized that there were other people out there, just like me. I used to cut to tell myself to feel, but what I had there all along was right in front of me. even though that wasn’t the most of my problems, just that was enough to drag me down. I’m out of myself now, you don’t need to worry about me.

Kaitlyn

Closing your eyes to disappear

You pray your dreams will leave you here

But still you wake and know the truth

No one’s there

Say goodnight, don’t be afraid

[ its so hard to not look back.. ]

I guess sometimes it burns inside when you want to say goodbye. Letting go is what I couldn’t reach when I was at my lowest point, so why was I thinking I could do it now? I love each and every one of you, and there’s always a place in my heart for you because of our similarities. All we’re hopelessly reaching for is impossible to get, but easy to hide for some people. And that’s just not us. I’ve accepted that I’ll only go in circles if I try too hard, but I still cant see. And I don’t think anyone will ever be able to either.

          It’s just, sometimes I wake up with that feeling of emptiness when I know it’s been there all along. It does burn, worse than any heat I’ve ever felt, but it doesn’t go away. It will never leave me. and right now, I’m still reaching for something that isn’t there, but I can stand on my own. Finally, I can help myself.

          After all of this, I want to still be bleeding. It’s so comfortable in that place, but it just destroys everything you have. I build myself back together again, just to watch myself fall back down. But what goes up has got to fall. I guess I still have tomorrow.

kaitlyn

Untie the hands that bind your mind

And be nice, she put a gun against her ear

Inside, against a gin and tonic sky

She’s a star, she finds a place to lose her pain

Caged as she waits inside, hate and she wants to die

And she wants, and she wants to live

Deny, the problem never catches light

Rewind, she pours herself som selft respect

[ pick me up now, I need you so bad.]

          I’m doing good. I’ve stayed away from what hurt me, and it turns out it was what I thought was supposed to be good for me in the first place. It’s weird, because you tell yourself what you’re supposed to think, when it should be the opposite.

          My friends havent been so helpful. I guess they have their own problems, and I didn’t ask them to help with mine, but they got mad at me for almost nothing, and left me there to rot. It’s okay, im fine now, I guess. I havent hurt myself for a month now, so I guess that’s a start. Thank you, you guys, for always being there for me. even when I don’t know you, you always provide a light that I couldn’t see on my own. Since I have been better, I guess I stayed away from this xanga but then I realized I didn’t want it to look like I didn’t care, because I do. I would never leave something behind without saying goodbye. But that doesn’t mean im doing it now.

For all of you who don’t believe; who don’t see.. im right beside you.

kaitlyn

I cant remember the last time you cared about anything

The last time you allowed yourself to be seen

So pretentious your lies unrelenting disguise

Creating tears in your eyes you mind withers and dies

Pretending to be something you are not

Somewhere in the middle you are now caught

And you’ve never seen who you really are